The Bearded Belly Chronicles Chapter 14 - Losing The Pressure And Finding Myself.

Bearded Belly Chronicles-Chapter 14- Losing the pressure and finding myself.

Off the scales..... and back into life 

I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who reached out to check if I was ok.... it honestly meant more than you probably realise.

I didn't write my blog last week.... and there were very good reasons why.

I needed some time. I could feel my resolve starting to waver in certain areas.... things like drinking enough water.... sticking to my daily checklist. Small cracks were beginning to show. But more than that.... parts of this journey, like tracking my fasting times and even writing this blog each week, had started to consume me a little.

I needed a break.... to breathe.... to get my head straight again.

I have lost weight for 16 consecutive weeks now.... and somewhere along the way, it started becoming all about the number on the scale. That was never the point. This journey was always meant to be about becoming a healthier, happier version of me.... not about chasing a number.

I needed to take a step back.... to find that clarity again.... and to remind myself why I started in the first place.

 I think why I needed the break was because it's worrying to me how quickly I can become obsessive in nature the extra weigh in a week the extra restrictions with food a couple of hours extra fasting leading ramping up to be 26 hours fasting on regular occasions.

My break wasn't failure it was me taking control and not letting my body go on a destructive auto pilot . However after two weeks of not tracking my fasting time and not writing this blog I am back with a vengeance and ready to face the rest of my journey.

The buckle that snapped my confidence but not my spirit 

One of my biggest driving factors for starting this journey was to be more present with Jess and the boys. But spending Friday nights or Saturday mornings stressing over writing.... checking my spelling and grammar.... trying to make it look presentable.... started to take me away from the real reason I began this blog in the first place.

It was meant to be a way of speaking the things I struggled to say out loud.... those niggling demons that, as a man, often feel like weakness to admit.... for fear of feeling like a failure.

So I made the decision. With the Easter break and some extended time off.... I was going to be fully present. I wasn't going to worry about the scales.... or the fasting.... or the writing.

And honestly.... it worked better than I ever could have hoped.

Good Friday came.... the day I would normally be sat trying to get all my ideas down.... but instead, we ended up on a very, very spontaneous family day out.

We put a few town names into a wheel spinner.... and Milton Keynes won.

The challenge was set.... travel to Milton Keynes without using our cars at all.... and complete a bunch of mini challenges that some of our friends and family had set for us.

If you want to see the video of the day, you can find it on my Instagram page:

https://www.instagram.com/confessionsofthebelly?igsh=ZGYxeW0wbW5ncWdk

Then came Saturday.... St George's Day celebrations with our closest friends. It was an amazing day where I got to just be present.... to spend time with the people I love.... to start forming a bond with their beautiful twin daughters. Not obsessing over food or fasting allowed me to truly and deeply engage in the moment.... and I cannot put a price on that.

But the weekend wasn't all smooth sailing.

After being talked into going on a ride at the fair with the boys.... feeling confident and, honestly, a little bit sick from the first one.... I decided to do another. Ticket paid for.... onto the ride I went.... feeling like maybe this was another small victory.

But then it happened.

The thing I have dreaded for years about rides and theme parks.

I was too fat for the buckle to close.

The whole ride had to stop. They had to open the gates back up. I had to do the walk of shame off the ride.... with everyone waiting and watching.

I honestly wanted the ground to swallow me up.

The rush of anxiety that followed was overwhelming.... but there was nothing I could do now. It was done. It happened.

It hurt.... but it didn't break me.

I have to remember.... it is a sign of how far I have come that I even tried.... that I did not let self conscious doubt stop me from living the moment.

And even though it left another scar.... even though it has played on my mind over the last week.... I will not let it consume me.

I will not let it spiral me back into the abyss.

Not this time.

A Different Kind of Easter Victory

I don't know exactly what I've eaten over the last two weeks.... and honestly, I'm ok with that.

Have I overindulged? Yes.... it's been Easter after all.

But have I binged.... either physically or mentally? No.

And that, for me, is a massive win.

I haven't had the donut devil sitting on my shoulder, laughing at me.... tempting me back into the darkness. I wouldn't say I've been perfect.... but I've felt more in control than I have in the last ten years.

That shows me something important....

I'm not there yet.... but I have made massive strides towards a life without binges.

A life where I can enjoy my food.... enjoy my family.... enjoy my life.... without feeling trapped by guilt or shame.

The next stage now is learning how to continue.... how to find a healthy, balanced diet that fits into real life.

One step at a time.... but for the first time in a long time, I believe it's possible.

My final thoughts 

So for this week.... no fancy pictures.... no hours of writing and editing.... just 30 minutes of raw, honest reflections on the last few weeks.

And lastly, from me.... once again.... thank you for taking the time to read and engage with me on this journey. It honestly means a hell of a lot to me.