Bearded Belly Chronicles-Chapter 15- Sinking But Still Breathing

 Bearded Belly Chronicles-Chapter 15-  Sinking But Still Breathing 

When the Break Became the Spiral

I became obsessive a few weeks ago.... too much weighing.... fasting for too long. I thought the best thing to do was take a break.

But instead of giving me breathing room, that break pushed me deeper into a spiral.

I fell for the old trap.... “It's ok, I'll start again Monday.”
Only Monday hasn't come.
And now it's nearly two weeks.

This is where weight loss for me isn't just a battle with the scales.
It's a battle with my own mental health.... my own obsessive thoughts.... my addictive nature.

I'm petrified of becoming Ian from 2013 again.... losing a huge amount of weight quickly but never sorting out the mental side.
But on the flip side.... I'm equally petrified of staying at this weight, or getting heavier, and feeling totally unable to control my eating.

So where do I go from here?

The structure and discipline I had in place were helping.
They gave me progress on the scales.... and something to hold onto when everything else felt hard.
But now, a quarter into the year.... I've lost that grip.
And the obsessive part of me.... the one Jess and I both feared.... started to take over.

This has played on a loop in my head all week.

A constant tape....
“You've failed again.”
Over and over.

My self worth.... my confidence.... it's been slowly leaking away.
That fuel tank I worked so hard to start filling back up?
It's empty again.
I feel like I'm running on fumes.

Honestly.... I couldn't even tell you if I've binged this week or not.
There's been no structure.
No intention behind what I've put in my body.... liquid or solid.

Right now, as I write this, every part of me feels swollen.... heavy.
My fingers.... my stomach.... like I'm carrying an extra ten stone wrapped around my middle.

And then there's the mental state.

This week, I've felt like I can't cope with just existing day to day.
I've felt like maybe life would be better for everyone if I wasn't around.

I know logically that isn't true.
Or at least I hope it's not.

But the feeling of failure is very, very real.

Living With the Storm

For those reading this who know us, you'll already know some of the challenges we face with Tommy, our youngest.

Tommy has both ADHD and autism.
And honestly.... it's fucking tough.

At eight years old, he struggles every single day to complete even the simplest tasks on his own.... brushing his teeth.... putting on pants.... anything. He experiences severe pathological demand avoidance, and violent outbursts are part of daily life.

While writing this morning, I've already had a trainer thrown into my face.
That's not shocking anymore. It's normal.
This is a weekly.... sometimes daily.... reality for someone in our household.

We've made so many changes over the last few years trying to find what works for Tommy. Sometimes we feel like we've cracked it.... like we've found the golden thread.... only for it to unravel again six weeks later.

Tommy stereotypically craves structure.... but he also gets bored of the very structure he depends on.
And that’s why nothing seems to work for long.

But recently, the pressure on me and Jess has skyrocketed.
Tommy's outbursts have grown more intense.... and now they're happening at school too.... against staff and pupils.

His school has been brilliant. They're doing all they can to support him. But there's only so much they can do. They have a duty of care to protect their staff and the other children.... and we're now hurtling toward exclusion.

And then what?

That's the next level of stress. Because if,,,,,and it's feeling more like when....exclusion happens, we are left staring into the gaping black hole that is the UK's failing SEN system.

Tommy is too extreme for mainstream.
But not extreme enough for SEN schools.

It's the same story in towns and counties across the country.... children falling through the cracks.... councils unable to provide support.... parents forced to leave jobs to homeschool.... or pay thousands for private schooling or tuition.

I didn't realise.... before we had children.... the sheer weight that raising a neurodiverse child places on you.
On your mind.
On your relationship.
On your identity.

And with Tommy struggling more and more.... the one feeling that never leaves me or Jess....
is overwhelm and somedays as we both battle with own issues the cracks start to appear 

And as we carry all of this.... the rest of life still rolls on.

Plodding On.... Hoping It Will Change

This week, I've drudged through the days one by one....
Hoping.... praying.... that something would shift.
That there'd be a spark — some kindling to reignite the flames of resurgence and get me back on track.

But that moment hasn't come.

Yesterday was YES Day — a chance to be present, to spend time with the kids, to enjoy it.
I managed to mask a smile for a brief moment.... but the constant interactions, the chaos, and the pressure of the social experience left me feeling completely depleted.

It's a vicious cycle.
Not feeling good.... eating too much and eating rubbish....
Then struggling to sleep.... waking up exhausted.... and reaching for sugar and junk food just to get through the day.

And yet.... I'm still here.
Hanging on by my fingernails.

The light I've seen this week hasn't come from anyone else — it's come from within me.
I've written down how I feel.
And even though I didn't want to.... I've found the strength to sit down and share it.

I haven't hidden.
Not this time.

 I'm still here.... waiting.... hoping something shifts.
Hoping I get the strength to start again.
And just for once, not feel like I'm failing.