The Bearded Belly Chronicles Chapter Thirteen:– Holding My Breath.... and Finding My Way Back

 

The Bearded Belly Chronicles Chapter Thirteen:– Holding My Breath.... and Finding My Way Back

In the Numbers 📊

Starting weight: 159.7kg ⚖️
Weight last Friday: 143kg ⏳
Weight today: 141.6kg 🎉 (–1.4kg)
Total lost: –18.1kg

This week, I fasted for 141 hours and 17 minutes — which is long enough to watch the new Minecraft movie 59 times.... which I think the kids wouldn't have minded.

I also drank 30 litres of water — enough to flush a toilet 37 times.

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Rippling Rolls.... Pizza Hut Battles.... and YES Day Triumph

The whole aim of this journey was always about becoming a better man.... not just for myself, but for Jess and the boys. Sure, sometimes I stumble.... sometimes I fall flat on my face.... but slowly and steadily, I feel myself becoming more present.... more open.

I've mentioned previously that we have a family "YES day" once a month.... a day where the winner of a board game gets to plan all our adventures for a Saturday or Sunday. Jess and I started this tradition back in January because last year felt like it slipped right past us.... the boys suddenly another year older.... another step closer to thinking they're too cool to hang out with Mum and Dad. We knew we needed to grab hold of these precious years.... squeeze every last drop of family time from them before it's too late.

This month, Ewan won our game.... and the pride shining on his face as he announced his selections made it all worth it:

First.... Swimming
Lunch.... Pizza Hut
Then finish up by seeing the new Minecraft movie.

But as anyone in a neurodiverse household knows too well.... big excitement always comes with big emotions.... and our morning descended into chaos pretty quickly. The boys' eagerness spiralled into dysregulation, bringing tantrums, tears, shouting.... pretty much everything except the smiles we'd planned for. I'd love to say Jess and I handled it calmly.... but life isn't an Instagram post. We exchanged that familiar, weary glance that says "Just survive this bit".... pushed through the emotional whirlwind.... and eventually got everyone bundled into the car.... ready to brave the swimming baths.

Now, this was my third time this year facing down my swimming baths anxiety.... but today something remarkable happened: I felt absolutely nothing. No nerves.... no panic.... no dread of the changing rooms. Have I suddenly overcome my lifelong battle with body image overnight? Have I magically fallen in love with my rippling rolls? Have I bollocks. But something genuinely important has shifted.... and honestly, I'm not sure if I've simply grown more comfortable in my large body.... or if logic finally slapped me round the face.... reminding me that not a single soul in that pool cares what I look like. Truthfully.... it doesn't matter which one. All I know is, for the first time ever.... I was completely present in the moment with the kids.... fully absorbed in their laughter.... their joyful splashes.... their endless cries for "just one more" German suplex into the water.... or for me not to, depending on who you ask.

That moment in the water.... with the kids laughing and clinging to me.... I felt like the dad I used to wish I could be when I was stuck in my own head.

Eating out, especially at places like Pizza Hut, still brings its own battles. It's always a tightrope for me.... but now I'm facing it head-on. No hiding.... no pretending.... just openly managing it by moving scraps out of reach, or asking Jess to quietly slide those tempting leftovers away from my grasp. It's still tough.... but today it felt lighter.... easier somehow.

YES Day ended exactly as we'd hoped: smiles, laughter, and a heap of new family memories.... even if they came wrapped in emotional meltdowns and greasy pizza boxes. It felt like a win.... not a neat and tidy one.... but a messy, beautifully real one...the kind that sticks with you. Another YES Day done.... another family moment not missed.

Two Days in Darkness.... and a Conversation That Saved Me

Monday morning hit me really hard.... I'm still not sure why, maybe it was the dopamine crash after such a perfect family YES Day weekend, but when I opened my eyes on Monday.... the darkness was there again. It felt like someone had flipped a switch inside me.... shutting off every glimmer of hope or joy. Suddenly, I couldn't see the point of anything.... I felt utterly worthless, completely powerless to change how I felt.

Have you ever felt like you're drowning? Like you're underwater, eyes open, watching everyone else breathe effortlessly above the surface, unable to reach them no matter how hard you kick and struggle.... That was me, Monday morning, sinking deeper and deeper into that familiar darkness.

These are exactly the moments when, in the past, food became my lifeline.... where I'd desperately try to eat myself out of sadness and numbness. I'd dive straight into donuts, pizza.... anything to silence that cruel voice whispering how worthless I was. Normally, that would send me spiralling, tearing apart every bit of progress from the past 15 weeks.... leaving me filled with regret and self-loathing, hating myself even more than before.

But this time, something felt different.... even in my worst moments, somehow I found the strength to dig deeper than I ever have. Even though the donut devil stood next to me, whispering his comforting lies.... promising to ease my pain.... I didn't listen. I drank water instead.... stubbornly sticking to my fasting plan, refusing to surrender again. As heavy as the darkness felt, as convincing as the donut devil's voice was.... somehow, I resisted him.

Then.... suddenly.... Wednesday morning arrived, and I woke up as if none of it had happened. Just like that, the darkness lifted.... I could breathe again. I still don't know exactly what triggered those two days of crushing darkness.... but when I opened my eyes Wednesday, life felt possible again.

If you've read any of my previous blogs, you'll know I can't just let these moments pass without trying to understand why they happen. And honestly, this time.... I think I do know.

Sometimes, without even noticing, my world shrinks down to almost nothing.... work.... home.... sleep.... repeat. Slowly, I lose connections with everyone around me. I become quieter, withdrawing from life without realising. Looking back at my calendar, I realised I'd done it again.... isolated myself without noticing.

There's no shame in admitting that sometimes I need a break from being "Dad".... sometimes I just need to remember who Ian is. On Tuesday evening, forced to stay away overnight for work, I found myself chatting with a prospective franchisee. We talked for hours about American sports, nothing profound or life-changing.... just two people talking, laughing, sharing something simple.

When I woke up the next morning, feeling lighter than I had in days, it finally clicked.... sometimes the only thing we really need is someone to talk to, someone to connect with, to remind us we're not as alone as our minds tell us we are. Maybe it was just a simple conversation, but for me, that evening was a lifeline.... a gentle hand reaching down into the water, pulling me back to the surface so I could breathe again.

Sunshine Therapy.... Rediscovering Myself in a Pint Glass

Feeling that I knew exactly where I'd gone wrong over the past few weeks.... I made a promise to myself to open my world up again. Friday night gave me the perfect opportunity. It was the last day of term for the kids.... and the hottest day of the year so far. Which, in the UK, means only one thing.... Beer Garden.

(For anyone reading outside the UK.... this is basically an unwritten law. We don't get much sun.... so when it appears, we grab it with both hands and head straight for a cold pint.)

So, off we went.... me, Jess, the boys, the in laws, and the nieces.... the full gang. And for the first time in what felt like ages, I properly let my hair down. A few cold pints.... loads of laughs.... sunshine on my face.... and for a while, everything felt lighter. I felt human again.

I'm writing this on Saturday morning, and somehow.... it all makes sense. Well.... as much sense as I ever make, anyway.

But seriously.... I feel good. Not in a hyped up, everything's perfect kind of way.... just grounded. Alive. Ready to grab the week ahead with both hands. I know there will still be dark days.... they always come eventually.... but I'm not the same man I was three months ago.

Now, I've got structure. I've got resilience. I've got self belief. And most of all.... I've got proof that I can get through the hard bits without falling apart.

Whatever comes next.... I can handle it.